he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
