Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
