Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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