just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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