I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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