So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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