She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
How external is "for external use only"?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
