i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
