the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i was born a porn star she said
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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