just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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