My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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