i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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