I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Randomize
