his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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