why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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