...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
