My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
