Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
