I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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