I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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