Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
