Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
