my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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