Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
