Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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