Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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