dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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