Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
40s are totally the cure
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
