Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
