True but thats because hes a fetus.
we made out on top of his cat.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
