***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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