i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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