I smell stomach acid.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
