3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
