His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
