I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
