Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
