I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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