The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
