I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
