my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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