I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
