I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
