my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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