i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
