I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
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