I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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