bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
