If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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