Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
