i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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