Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
