Even the bartender felt bad for me
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
