i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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