The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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