I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
