Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
