When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
