He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
