Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
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Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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