i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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